As St. Patrick's Day 2012 approaches, the buzz begins: Wait, when is St. Patrick's Day? Who is St. Patrick? What are leprechauns? Are Irish leprechauns the only kind of leprechaun? Are leprechauns real? And can we see some (dirty) leprechaun pictures?
...Seriously though, are there any good leprechaun pictures I can look at while I'm at work?
In light of all of these steaming questions, I took it upon myself to get some of them answered. After weeks of rainbow hunting, emails with the cash4gold people, and good ole fashioned social networking, I was finally able to reach Haywood Jablowmi, (the nephew of Lucky the Lucky Charms leprechaun mascot), for an exclusive interview after numerous hilarious tweets @ him.
Me: Haywood Jablowmi, I just want to start all of this by saying I'm a huge fan and it's an honor to be talking to you today. Where are you traveling from?
Haywood: Ay, it's a mighty pleasure to be here as well. I be travelin' from the ole starchless land of Ire. Twas a mighty event for my shams and me to get through customs with all de gold and treasures and such, but alas we've arrived in good health.
Me: Oh, no, no. The mightiest pleasure is mine. Now, I'm sure you get this a lot, but, what do you say to the people who don't believe in leprechauns? Are leprechauns real?
Haywood: I say why else would I be this bloody short and have this bloody awful orange hair? I say how do you think me uncle Lucky got so dern famous? I say what do take me for? A fool? Would a fool bash your bloody shins in?
Me: Umm, no? Yes? I'm not sure. Maybe we should just move on.
Haywood: Whatever ye say.
Me: So, Mr. Jablowmi, can you just walk me through a normal day for you? Your morning routine, your diet, your ideal mode of transportation, etc.?
Haywood: Methinks I can do that! First and foremost, I wake me self at 4 a.m. each and every morning to check the weather forecast and see where it's going to rain before the sun comes up so I know where de rainbows will be.
Then I brush me teeth, wipe me self down with me trusty rag, and dress me self in all green. Normal people just have to wear green on St. Patrick's Day to avoid getting pinched, but leprechauns must wear all green, all the time.
Me life depends on it. In fact, me green leprechaun hat has never left my head.
After all of dat, I go downstairs and pour me self a bowl of Lucky Charms because they're magically delicious. And I have me self a lifetime supply.
And Lucky said he'll slit my Achilles tendons if I eat anything other than his cereal.
Eat my fucking cereal or die.
Haywood: Methinks so. Never much cared to test that theory me self.
Me: Hm, ok. Moving on. Is there any special significance to a double rainbow?
Haywood: Of course dere is, me friend! Any time of de day that you see a double rainbow, it means that good ole St. Patrick himself has got an erection. It's just a silly little tradition, but it's a comforting reminder that he's always watchin' over us, even if it is with his phallus.
Me: That's... not what I was expecting. Interesting. Can I ask you a personal question?
Haywood: Anything ye want!
Me: Is your... penis green?
Haywood: Oh, no no. No penis in me body. Us leprechauns don't procreate, we be the product of St. Patrick's cock socks.
Me: Cock socks?
Haywood: Ye know, socks he ejaculates into. Then he leaves them out in the sun after a good rain, and if a rainbow comes out and its colors reflect on the ole sock, a baby leprechaun is born.
Tis a beautiful thing, really.
Me: Oh, wow. That's...um, yeah, I can't say I knew that. I once saw a news story about a leprechaun sighting in Mobile, Alabama. Have you personally ever been to Mobile, Alabama?
Haywood: Ay, sure sure. Finding leprechauns in Mobile, Alabama is about as common as finding a cock sock in the sun. So, dere's a mighty fine chance, methinks.
Me: Have you ever been caught in a leprechaun trap?
Haywood: If de feckin' idiot kids makin? de leprechaun traps weren't so dern incompetent, perhaps me would have. But, as of now, no. Have not had me self caught in a leprechaun trap yet.
Me: Haywood Jablowmi? Do you have time for one more question?
Haywood: Ye, of course, me friend.
Me: Where does a leprechaun keep his gold?
Haywood: Heh, methinks I'd be better off just showin' ya this one!
::Haywood gets out of his seat and lies on the floor in the fetal position.::
::Haywood grunts and releases a deafening flatulence.::
::Gold coins come spewing out of Haywood's b-hole.::
::Haywood vanishes into thin air.::