Buy Twilight. Watch Twilight. Get a Blowjob. Probably.

Let's face it: for guys, Valentine's Day blows. Unless you're Ashton Kutcher, you've dreaded this day since Christmas, either because you're incredibly lonely or treading just above the poverty line after splurging on chocolates or flowers or whatever else you bought to trick your significant other into putting out.

For years, chocolates and flowers have dominated the Valentine's Day landscape. While it's possible that you're thoughtful and actually put effort into your gift, you should probably get off your high romantic horse and just neglect your wife/girlfriend/blow-up doll (we know, she's real) like the rest of us.

Except don't forget the chocolates and flowers. Or a Hallmark card. Leave those out and you're fucked (well, actually you're not--but you won't be for a while).

Finally, someone is willing to challenge for Cupid's throne. Leave it to Twilight, which is basically the never-ending Valentine's Day of popular culture (teen girls and lonely older women love it, everyone else... not so much), has pumped out a new commercial that more or less eliminates subtext to send a crystal clear message: Buy Twilight, get laid.

Hopefully this unveiled attack on Valentine's Day by the powers of Capitalism will open our eyes to the massive money waster they invest in every year. More than likely though, it's just going to get people humpin'. Sadly, the ad may be right.

While it's far from the dirtiest ad on television, it is a bit unsettling. Isn't the major demographic for these movies tweens? Is this the message we're comfortable putting on television? This isn't a Viagra ad, which is CLEARLY about boning. This is an extremely popular movie. That your kids have probably seen. That your younger siblings have probably seen.



"Wait, you didn't get it on Blu-Ray?"

I'm not trying to sound like an angry mom, I swear. In fact, there are probably positives to this bold marketing strategy. Substituting Twilight for pounds of chocolate has to help with America's obesity problem, right? Sure, they'll be gaining the weight anyway, but it'll be PREGNANCY weight. The "good" kind. Obesity will kill us before overpopulation, and we can just cross that bridge when we come to it.

The least they could do is air it side-by-side with a Trojan commercial. Maybe they could collaborate and have Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson make some sort of condom/vampire pun to tie it all together.


"We're here for the fang bang."

Without it, I fear we're heading toward a new boom of 14 year-old mothers and fathers, who have only the Cullen family to blame for their predicament. And, you know, their lack of judgment.



-Matthew Ludtke

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZJDqn3HJU0

Posted by

Blursto

Posted a while ago