The Best of Tom Haverford

The Best of Tom Haverford

These are our favorite Tom Haverford quotes throughout the last five seasons of Parks and Recreation. Comment with your favorites and we'll keep adding to our list!

Parks and Recreation: Best Tom Haverford Quotes From Season One:
Season 1: Episode 1

Tom Haverford: Every now and then, we have these little gatherings, and Leslie gets plastered. One time, I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll Up. She, one time, made out with the water delivery guy. In her office. On Halloween, she was dressed up as Batman. Not Batgirl; Batman. And I convinced her to go stop a crime that was going on outside. And it is my favorite thing in the world.

Season 1: Episode 4
Boys Club

Jim: I love Great Lakes wine.
Tom Haverford: You can have the wine. I wanna take that cheese and do terrible things to it.

Season 1: Episode 5
The Banquet

Tom Haverford: Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to both of us.

Season 1: Episode 6
Rock Show

Wendy: How did Leslie meet her boyfriend?
Tom Haverford: She used to read him books at the senior center.
Beth: Wow. How old is he?
Tom Haverford: He's 6, but he has Benjamin Button disease.

Parks and Recreation: Best Tom Haverford Quotes From Season Two:
Season 2: Episode 2
The Stakeout

Tom Haverford: I changed it to Tom Haverford. Because brown guys with funny sounding Muslim names don't make it far in politics.
Leslie: What about Barack Obama?
Tom Haverford: Okay. Yeah. Fine. Barack Obama.
Leslie: What kind of spice is this?
Tom Haverford: The best way to figure out what kind of spice THAT is?is roll it up into a joint and smoke it.

Tom: Well I just told you my ID, so what’s the crime here? Parking while Indian?
Dave: No, there’s no stereotype about Indians sitting in vehicles.

Season 2: Episode 3
Beauty Pageant

Tom Haverford: I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?

Season 2: Episode 4
The Practice Date

Mark: Why does anyone want to run for public office, you're just asking to have your entire life exposed.
Tom Haverford: Not if you're squeaky clean like me.
Mark: You're married and you hit on women constantly.
Tom Haverford: Yeah but never sealed the deal. Just window shopping. You can fly to Brazil, just never enter the cave. Am I right? Up top!

Tom Haverford: I think cave sex is insane.
Leslie: Why?
Tom: Because of the echoes and the humidity.

Season 2: Episode 5
Sister City

Leslie: Our photo op with the mayor is tomorrow at 3 p.m., so I'm gonna need your suggestions about my wardrobe asap.
Tom Haverford: I told you, gold sequin sweatpants.

Season 2: Episode 6

Leslie: Okay, everybody take out their thinking caps...and rip 'em up! Then take out your doing caps, cause we're gonna do something today.
Tom Haverford: I have a couple of doing caps in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.

Season 2: Episode 7
Greg Pikitis

Tom Haverford: Ann, what happened here? Did you tell everyone they're going to have to get a bone marrow transplant tomorrow? They look miserable. This party is a disaster.

Tom Haverford: We need to cut through the red tape and get the pit filled in.
Leslie: Yes, Tom. Good.

Season 2: Episode 8
Ron and Tammy

Tom Haverford: I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to, 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

Tom Haverford: When Tiger Woods feels invincible he wears a red shirt and black pants. Ron wears the same thing after he's had sex.

Season 2: Episode 9
The Camel

Tom Haverford: I have no interest in art. Let me clarify: I have no interest in non-nude images.

Tom Haverford: Just give me $20 worth of art. Just something that seems personal that only I could have done.
Arnold: Tell me about yourself.
Tom Haverford: No. Just paint.

Tom Haverford: Mark's not even in the department.
Mark: Neither is Ann.
Tom Haverford: But Ann's hot. And that counts for something.

Tom Haverford: It's abstract, Leslie. Over here you've got some shapes. And then, you come over to this side. You know it's actually kind of interesting. Each shape is its own thing, but then when it comes together, it really gives you a sense of, completion. Hmm.

Tom Haverford: It's OK, sweetheart. You can't make art because you are art. You're beautiful. But that sucks.

Tom Haverford: That looks like something a death row convict would make in art therapy.
Ann: Dude, I tried.
Tom Haverford: And you failed.

Tom Haverford: Dude, what the hell kind of art is this? It looks like a lizard puking up Skittles.
Arnold: I'm an abstract expressionist.
Tom Haverford: No, you're a con artist, and I'm a guy who's out 20 bucks. Ugh, whatever.

Season 2: Episode 10
Hunting Trip

Tom Haverford: On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed off is he?
Tom Haverford: Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal if breakfast cereal.
Donna: I love breakfast cereal.

Season 2: Episode 11
Tom's Divorce

Leslie: How could there possibly still be glitter on me?
Tom Haverford: It takes forever to get off. My crotch looks like a disco ball.

Tom Haverford: You know those hangover pills you can order on TV? I threw up a bunch of them this morning. I feel much better.

Tom Haverford: Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting a divorce. But now I'm ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.

Leslie: OK, Tom. Go put these in places I do not approve of.
Tom Haverford: Leslie, I'm gonna put these in places you've never heard of.

Tom Haverford: There is a girl here that also works at Quizno's. She's really nice to me here, but really mean to me at Quizno's.

Tom Haverford: She's a tall, beautiful surgeon. I'm a short, beautiful government employee slash club promoter.
Leslie: You're a club promoter?
Tom Haverford: Aspiring.

Season 2: Episode 12
Christmas Scandal

Tom Haverford: There isn't a woman alive who doesn't love diamonds. Even the super left wing chicks who saw Blood Diamond and cried. When they get a diamond, they like, "yeah, bitch, get more of them blood diamonds. Make 'em extra bloody."

Tom Haverford: Have you seen Ann? You know how hot she is? Men give women of that caliber speedboats? private jets. Not computer bags.

Leslie: Our tree lighting ceremony will be simulcast on Internet radio.
Tom Haverford: That's a really big deal.
Leslie: It is. Thank you.
Tom Haverford: Listening to that tree lighting's gonna be dope!

Season 2: Episode 13
The Set Up

Tom Haverford: I meet a girl at a bar. She seems kind of into me, could go either way. I get her number. It's two days later. What do I text her?
Zach: It was nice meeting you.
Tom Haverford: No, Zach. I don't text her it was nice meeting you. I wait eight weeks and I text her, "what's crackin'?"

Tom Haverford: You are wearing the hell out of that suit, sir. Banana two-button. We should talk later.

Season 2: Episode 14
Leslie's House

Tom Haverford: Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's gonna happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.

Tom Haverford: How could you invite Wendy when Ron's here? He's gonna wrap her up in his mustache and take her home!

Season 2: Episode 15

Tom Haverford: Brendanawicz. Quick question: Do you personally know Xzibit because I was checking out that pick up truck of yours and that ride is pimp.

Tom Haverford: Who am I supposed to ask for fashion advice? Jerry? He wears the same sweat-stained khakis everyday.

Tom Haverford: Why don't you get some Canadian bacon on it, since you're from Canada?and sausage, because I'm brown and spicy.

Tom Haverford: That's the Canadian version. Twenty-two extra minutes. And there's a bonus audio track where LL Cool J raps all his dialogue.

MARK: What is that?
TOM: Oh! I strapped an mp3 player to one of those floor cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba. Little guy cruises around and plays music. What’s hot, DJ Roomba? (He turns on the music and the robot starts to move.) DJ Roomba, tearin’ it uppppp!

Season 2: Episode 16
Galentine's Day

Wendy: You're suing me for alimony?
Tom Haverford: Yes. When we were married I got accustomed to a certain lifestyle and I'm entitled to money to maintain that lifestyle.

Season 2: Episode 17
Woman of the Year

Tom: All I want in life is to own a nightclub on every continent, have my own line of upscale sweatsuits and cologne called Tommy Fresh and I fell a thousand dollars short.

Jean Ralphio: No way. Yesterday if you would have asked me, I would have said no. But thank god my grandfather just died so I am a-flushed with cash.
Tom Haverford: Awesome. I have four thousand bucks. All I need you to do is kick in six Gs, and then you and I are part-owners of the hottest nightclub in Pawnee. Also, sorry about your grandpa.
Jean Ralphio: No worries, he was a d**k.

Tom Haverford: [imitates Ann] Mark, what are we doing tonight? [imitates Mark] Oh, I don't know, Ann. We could do the usual boring stuff like eat some chicken salad with some crackers or watch some pay per view. Or, we could go to my nightclub and do some dancin'.
Mark: I don't think so, man.
Tom Haverford: You'd never have to beg for sex again.

Tom Haverford: I have two questions for you. One, are you ready for the investment opportunity of a lifetime? And two, do any of you have pacemakers or a history of epilepsy?
Jerry: Yes. Both.
Tom Haverford: Anybody? No? Alright.

Tom Haverford: This VIP card gives you exclusive access to the investment opportunity of a lifetime. Where? Multipurpose room F. When? 3 p.m. Dress code? Black tie optional. Just like life.

Season 2: Episode 18
The Possum

Tom Haverford: I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god.

Tom Haverford: Happy belated Valentine's Day.
Ann: Valentine's Day was a month ago. Why are you giving it to me now?
Tom Haverford: Whatever. Happy early Valentine's Day.

Tom Haverford: It's a robot bear! It's programmed to snuggle.

Ann: OK, this is one of those nanny cam teddy bears, isn't it?
Tom Haverford: What? No, it's a regular camera-less teddy bear. Just put it in your bedroom. Don't even think about it.

Season 2: Episode 20
Summer Catalog

Tom Haverford: We need to do something to distract from this... boring area. Now I didn't want to have to do this but we may have to go nude.
Ann: Goodbye, Tom.

Tom Haverford: Hey, if there's anyone out there that's doing a photo shoot about the dangers of eating undercooked chicken, I can give you Ann's phone number.

Tom Haverford: Come on, Ann, what are we doing? Maxim or Good Housekeeping?
Ann: I'm not sure which one is the insult.

Tom Haverford: An animal on the head, a manimal in the bed.

Season 2: Episode 21
94 Meetings

Tom Haverford: Yeah, Jessica's a gold digger. But I'm a gold digger, digger.

Tom Haverford: Jessica Wicks! Hey, boo. Are you aging in reverse? 'Cause you look barely legal.

Leslie: OK, so I have everything I need, right? I have a fresh cup of coffee, comfy fur-lined boots.
Tom Haverford: I'm going to need those boots back by the end of the day.
Leslie: Yeah, no problem. They're actually a little narrow for me.

Season 2: Episode 21

Tom Haverford: I can't make it to the telethon tonight because I have no interest in being there.

Jerry: No, Leslie. Please. Tonight's kind of a big night. You know, all my kids are away...
Tom: Gross! No! That's Jerry's sex night. That ruins sex and tonight.

Leslie: You're never going to believe who I got. People are going to freak out.
Tom Haverford: Rihanna.
Leslie: No.
Tom Haverford: Dr. Oz.
Leslie: Nope, you're never going to ask.
Tom Haverford: Justin Bieber.
Leslie: No. Ex-Indiana Pacer. Small forward Detlef Schrempf.
Tom Haverford: *The* Detlef Schrempf?

Tom Haverford: I need you to make that out to Wendy. Tom is an amazing guy. You never should have left him. You made a huge mistake in your life and you're probably going to die alone. Love, Detlef.

Season 2: Episode 23
Freddy Spaghetti

Tom Haverford: Whenever Ron has sex, the next morning he comes in dressed like Tiger Woods.

Tom Haverford: We had dinner last night and breakfast this morning. What were we doing in between? Sex stuff.
Lucy: You guys know Tom really well so I don't have to apologize for his behavior, right?

Leslie: Is this a bad time?
Tom Haverford: Lucy's here, I'm in my sexy pajamas. I just took four Benadryls to dull my sensitivity. Yes.
Leslie: You're about to have sex.
Tom: Why else would Boyz II Men's "On Bended Knee" be playing right now?

Parks and Recreation: Best Tom Haverford Quotes From Season Three:
Season 3: Episode 1
Rainy Day

Woman: These are way too tight.
Tom Haverford: Well, the real Cinderella didn't have hippo feet.

Leslie: Tom, we're back.
Tom Haverford: Jeremy, suck it. By the way I've been giving away free sports bras to the girls at Hot Dog on a Stick.

Season 3: Episode 2
Flu Season

Tom Haverford: Before we get started, a quick announcement. Every Thursday night is ladies night down at the Snakehole Lounge over on Bernum Avenue. Ladies get two drinks for the price of one. Well, that can't be right. That's way too good of a deal. Nope. That is what it says. Wow, that sounds like a fun time.

Tom Haverford: See, I never promise Leslie anything. That way I never disappoint her. I try to be considerate.

Season 3: Episode 3
Time Capsule

Tom Haverford: I just don't get why you broke up with me. Is it 'cause I'm not cool enough, like the normal kids compared to the vampires? Is it an Edward-Bella-Jacob type situation? Where you like me but there's someone else you like more?

Tom Haverford: Am I team Edward? Yes. Do I share his concerns about turning Bella, though? Absolutely not.

Tom Haverford: Twilight is dope. I couldn't put it down. It was like she was peering into my soul.
Kelly: Sing it, friend. Here, book two. Twilight: New Moon. Get crackin'.
Tom Haverford: There's a second book?
Kelly: And a third. And a fourth.
Tom Haverford: No f*&%$#@ way.

Kelly: You look sad.
Tom Haverford: You look like a weird goon who's obsessed with a kid's book.

Tom Haverford: She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. "Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up." "Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy." That's what they always do on Entourage.

Tom Haverford: For my item I chose a picture of my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, with a mustache drawn on her face and stink lines coming off her, because she stinks!

Tom Haverford: Hmm, a disappointingly good idea from Jerry.

Season 3: Episode 4
Ron & Tammy Part 2

Ben: Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?
Tom Haverford: Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben.
Leslie: Yeah, Ben. These guys are cops. Not ballerinas.

Season 3: Episode 5
Media Blitz

Tom Haverford: Joan, let's make a pact, OK? If we're both still single in an hour, let's get married.
Joan: Tom, I'm already married.
Tom Haverford: Oh, that's right. To Seal. Oh, I confused you with Heidi Klum again.

Tom Haverford: Joan? I thought you were Jennifer Aniston filming a movie here.

Tom Haverford: Nice job man. Was that your first time talking to other people? 'Cause it came off that way. You embarrassed me in front of The Douche.

Season 3: Episode 6

Tom Haverford: Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice.

Tom Haverford: Watch the master work it, I am the Yoda of networking.

Ben: Well Yoda wouldn't actually need networking, his powers were more spiritual.
Tom Haverford: Shut up you nerd!

Tom Haverford: His real name is Dante Fiero, but he changed it to Dennis Feinstein 'cause that's way more exotic in Pawnee.

Season 3: Episode 7
Harvest Festival

Tom Haverford: Hold on a second. Did you get your breasts done? You look amazing!
Joan: Yes, thanks for noticing.
Tom Haverford: Joan, listen to me. This harvest festival, it's gonna knock your socks off and when it does, I'm gonna be there to give you a foot massage. To completion.
Ben: Good lord!

Ken Hotatay: During the battle, 93 year old Chief Oxcatay was shot 102 times by the calvary.
Tom: Did he die?

Chris: Man? you are just knocking these off. You're like a ninja crossed with a Jedi or something.
Tom Haverford: You're like a nerd mixed with a dork or something.
Chris: Tom, Star Wars is not that nerdy.

Season 3: Episode 9
Fancy Party

Tom Haverford: "One of my life goals is to be a best man. It's a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind."

Tom Haverford: "Excuse me! Are there any strippers here? Former strippers? Non-dancers but you're feeling a little bit drunk?"

Season 3: Episode 10
Tom Haverford: “‘Zerts’ are what I call desserts. ‘Trée-trées’ are entrées. I call sandwiches ‘sammies,’ ‘sandoozles,’ or ‘Adam Sandlers.’ Air conditioners are ‘cool blasterz’ with a ‘z’ — I don’t know where that came from. I call cakes ‘big ol’ cookies.’ I call noodles ‘long-ass rice.’ Fried chicken is ‘fry-fry chicky-chick.’ Chicken parm is ‘chicky-chicky-parm-parm.’ Chicken cacciatore? ‘Chicky-cacc.’ I call eggs ‘pre-birds,’ or ‘future birds.’ Root beer is ‘super water.’ Tortillas are ‘bean blankets.’ And I call forks ‘food rakes.’”

Chris: Pawnee is, as you all know, the fourth most obese city in America.
Tom Haverford: Soon to be number three. We're coming for you San Antonio.

Leslie: Let’s play a different game. I’m gonna say stuff about me and you say, on a scale from one to ten, how interested in that thing you are. Ready?
Tom Haverford: Okay.
Leslie: I love sunshine and fresh air and early morning walks.
Tom Haverford: One.
Leslie: I’ve read five biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt.
Tom Haverford: One.
Leslie: I work at the Parks and Rec...
Tom Haverford: [Interrupting] One.
Leslie: That’s what you do.
Tom Haverford: One.
Leslie: I once kissed a girl in college.
Tom Haverford: [Smiling] Eight.
Leslie: Where I graduated summa cum laude in History.
Tom Haverford: One. Zero. Negative a billion. Don’t talk about it anymore, please.

Season 3: Episode 11
Jerry's Painting

Tom Haverford: That's what you see when you close your eyes at night Jerry. Topless Leslie glued to a horse!

Season 3: Episode 12

Leslie: I am so sick of this Lindsey-
Tom Haverford: Leslie, I've got this. You listen to me, Lindsey Carlisle-Shea! Why don't you take your fancy dog, get in your Escalade, and if you've got any job openings maybe you should let me know about them.
Ben: C'mon, man-
Tom Haverford: No! I'm sick of being treated like I'm not willing to relocate to Eagleton. Because I am! So, here's what you can do, lady. Take this resume, and shove it in your human resources box.

Season 3: Episode 13
The Fight

Tom Haverford: If you don’t make it, then you’re on my Dunzo List.
Ben: What’s a Dunzo List?
Tom Haverford: It means you and I? Are Dunzo! Hanging out and getting food together? Dunzo. You wanna come over to my house and play video games? Dunzo. “Hey, Tom, you wanna come play put-put with me?” No, we’re Dunzo.
Andy (to April): Babe, we gotta make that meeting.

Tom Haverford: I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's in there.

Jean-Ralphio: This guy has some of the best investment ideas I’ve ever heard in my life
Tom Haverford: Make a baby tuxedo clothing line. A department store with a guest list. White fur earmuffs for men. A new brand of bottled water called H2Ho. Contact lenses that display text messages. Invent a phone that smells good. Own a nightclub called Eclipse that’s only open for one hour, two times a year. Cover charge? $5000.

Season 3: Episode 15
The Bubble
Tom Haverford: There's a whole room on the fourth floor where they store the knives they've confiscated from people who went to the fourth floor to stab someone.

Parks and Recreation: Best Tom Haverford Quotes From Season Four:

Season 4: Episode 3
Born & Raised

Tom Haverford: At the risk of bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me smiling and taking partial credit.

Tom Haverford: Ben, Leslie hired my company to get her that sticker. You're the one that told me businesses need "clients" to get "money."
Ben: I was the first one to tell you that?

Season 4: Episode 8
Smallest Park

Chris: Rethink our visual brand, take these words, and make something amazing!
Tom Haverford: So you're saying you want me to choose a new font?
Chris: Yes, essentially I'd like you to choose a new font.

Season 4: Episode 11
The Comeback Kid

Tom Haverford: Also making a comeback: the casual Hawaiian shirt.
Jerry: Well well well, look who’s ahead of the curve.
Tom Haverford: I was joking. You should soak that in bleach and burn it.

Tom: How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.

Season 4: Episode 15
Dave Returns

Tom Haverford: Hey boo-boo bear!
Ann: What did you just call me?
Tom Haverford: Boo-boo bear. It’s one of several nicknames I’ve made up for you. And you can choose which one you like best, ’cause I want this to be a give and take.

Tom Haverford: We have cookie tush, Winnie the Boo, lady presh-presh, Annberry sauce, Annie get your boo, Tommy’s girl, Annie bananie…

Tom Haverford: I think you sound like an angel, and everyone else sounds like demons.

Tom Haverford: I don’t wanna brag, but I have a ton of experience with women being mad at me.

Tom Haverford: The four sweetest words in the English language: you wore me down.

Season 4: Episode 20
The Debate

Tom Haverford: And we all know the better looking a park is, the more attention it will get from lady parks that want to have sex with it.

Season 4: Episode 21
Bus Tour

Tom Haverford: He's just playing hardball. Let me tell you how it's going to go
down. In a few minutes, we'll walk in there, we'll give him our
demands, and then BAM!-- I start crying.

Parks and Recreation: Best Tom Haverford Quotes From Season Five:
Season 5: Episode 1
Ms. Knope Goes to Washington

Tom Haverford: Man, I'm hungry and my legs are tired. It feels like I just exercised.
Jerry Gergich: Just sit on the ground!
Tom Haverford: No, Jerry! It's dirty and I'm wearing my summer linens.

Tom Haverford: Noo, Ron! My tummy's rumbling! It's scary...Tommy's got the tum-rums.

Ann Perkins: Oh my god, did you put glitter in the laundry detergent?
Tom Haverford: Oh yeah, I'm experimenting with some new entrepreneurial ideas. That one's called--Sparkle Suds. Dress loud.
Ann Perkins: Will you stop putting glitter in everything? This morning you put glitter in the butter.
Tom Haverford: Disco Dairy. Spread the party.

Tom Haverford: Ann, what the hell!
Ann Perkins: I put glitter in all of your moisturizers and lotions. I'm calling it Sparkle Skin by Annie--twinkle twinkle, big star!
Tom Haverford: Ann! That's an amazing idea and I will buy it from you, but never do that again! That was really expensive moisturizer.

Season 5: Episode 3
How a Bill Becomes a Law

Councilman Jam: The two leading industries here are corn syrup and rubber nipples--it is a dentistry jackpot. It's genius, right?
Tom Haverford: Well, D.D.S. doesn't stand for dumb dumb stupid.
Councilman Jam: I like that. I'm gonna steal it. That's mine now.

Leslie Knope: Councilman, I'd like to talk to you about the Fun in the Sun bill and I don't mean to rush you, but the vote is an hour.
Councilman Milton: When I'm done eating, we'll talk. I've eaten the same lunch for 58 years. Caesar Salad, extra dressing, extra croutons, and extra anchovies.
Leslie Knope: Councilman Milton was first elected as a city councilor in 1948 as a member of the Dixiecrat Party. Their platform: De-integrate baseball.
Councilman Milton: The secret, is in the dressin'-- try it, it's an aphrodisiac. ...You too, my strange, foreign friend.
Tom Haverford: No thank you!
Leslie Knope: Tom, eat some.
Tom Haverford: I'm not eating racist salad.
Leslie Knope: The faster you eat, the faster we talk.
Tom Haverford: Mmm, you can really taste the ignorance.
Councilman Milton: It's pronounced anchovies.

Season 5: Episode 4
Sex Education

Lawyer: Mr. Haverford, on the morning of your crash, were you alone in your car?
Tom Haverford: Yes. Your honor, this was an accident, plain and simple. I don't wanna put words in your mouth, but-- case dismissed.
Lawyer: And you were texting at the time, correct?
Tom Haverford: How dare you, sir! I was Tweeting.
Lawyer: Please read Exhibit C, the transcript of your Twitter page leading up to and immediately following your crash
Tom Haverford: 9:15- Four green lights in a row. #blessed
9:17- Drive faster, blue civic. Daaaaaaaamn. #soccermoms
9:18- Gotta pass this lady on the ejkerkj. (pauses) That's when I hit the fire hydrant--sorry, allegedly...hit the fire hydrant. (starts reading again) Just hit a fire hydrant, but I survived. #Unbreakable #WhatsMrGlassuptothesedays? #whynosequel?

Tom Haverford: Oh my god, Jerry, when you check your email you go to Alta Vista and type "Please go to"
Jerry Gergich: Well how else would I do it?
Tom Haverford: You don't have your email bookmarked? Do you have any bookmarks?
Jerry Gergich: What's bookmarks?
Tom Haverford: God Jerry! You don't deserve the Internet!

Season 5: Episode 5
Halloween Surprise (Producer's Cut)

Ann Perkins: What are you supposed to be? A ghost? Where are your holes for your eyes?
Tom Haverford: This sheet is 1200-thread count Egyptian cotton. I'm not poking holes in it.

Tom Haverford: I usually do it up big on Halloween, but I'm having a bit of a cash-flow issue. It's ok, though. My next big business idea is always right around the corner? Corner snaps! Ah...That's not an idea. That's just two random words.

Tom Haverford: Ah, jeez, did a dinosaur just fart? Jerry, get a grip.
Jerry Gergich: I'm sorry guys.
Tom Haverford: Apology not accepted.
Ann Perkins: Stop talking, moron.
Tom Haverford: I wish I could stop smelling. Seriously Jerry, did you eat farts for lunch?
Leslie Knope: Tom, Jerry is having a heart attack!
Tom Haverford: Oooh I didn't know that. Jerry, are you okay?

Tom Haverford: Doctor, let me ask you a question. Medically speaking, how would you describe what happened to Jerry?
Doctor: He had a mild heart attack.
Tom Haverford: Yeah...but, he also exhibited excessive flatulence. Is there a term for having a heart attack while releasing so much gas?
Doctor: Not really, gastrointestinal distress is common during a cardiac event.
Tom Haverford: I just want to hear the doctor say Jerry had a fart attack! Is that too much to ask?

Tom Haverford: What up, playboy? You like that jacket? Pretty dope cut, right?
Kid: Yeah! Can I have it, Mom? I could wear it to Homecoming.
Mom: $300 for something you're just gonna grow out of in a month? Forget it.
Tom Haverford: Wait! I can rent it to you.
Mom: Really?
Tom Haverford: Yeah... it's part of a business I run--high end clothes rentals for teens, tweens and everything in betweens. That jacket is... $20/week.
Mom: Done. This is a great idea... he grows so fast, I never want to buy him anything nice. What's the name of your business?
Tom Haverford: Rent-a-swag.

Did we miss one of your favorite Tom Haverford quotes? Let us know in the comments!

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