Totino's Pizza Rolls and the Dumbest Kids in Commercial History

No one would ever confuse pizza rolls with a gourmet meal, and that's kind of the point. The tiny pouches of cheesy liquid magma basically serve as mini Hot Pockets, except you don't have to use those weird pouch things to get them to cook correctly (if there is a correct way to cook them).

Still, for those sadistic enough to want to repeatedly burn their mouth when taking that first bite (but still want indigestion), Pizza Rolls trump Hot Pockets.

I'll get the toilet paper.

While you wouldn't find either on any menu (I don't care how shitty a restaurant is, even McDonald's would turn their noses up at a Pizza Roll), you will find them in freezers across the country. Freezers belonging to idiots.

I say idiots, but what I really mean is lazy, potentially blind tweens. Totino's most popular commercial features two ridiculously apathetic kids looking for Pizza Rolls in the freezer. After failing to find the elusive (yet stationary) giant yellow box, they call in reinforcements.

"Front, left, Totino's?" Sounds like a poor stoner's life motto, but unfortunately has less of a profound impact in the context of the commercial. Here, it's just orders a mom gives her moron sons so they don't starve to death.

Look at how small this picture is. And look at how prominent the box of Pizza Rolls still is.

Why is Totino's marketing to idiots? Or, if they're blind (which is possible--the freezer is practically empty), why not address it! I would rather see them prey on my sympathies for the blind than continue to feature these idiots.

While Totino's will likely never capture the gourmet food market (or the attention of anyone over 30 without kids), there's no need to market toward the bottom of the barrel. If these kids can't find your product in their own freezer, what makes you think they'll be able to do it at the grocery store?

No one cares about looking front or left, Totino's. Just aim higher.


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