Ever since Al Gore invented the Internet, millions of people from all ages and walks of Earth have developed an obsession with cats.
Think about how many people make their living off stores, magazines, websites, etc. dedicated entirely to cats. Cat videos, cat pictures, cat merchandise. For some, it's an addiction. "I'm just going to look at a couple pictures..." they say.
They lie. To you, to themselves.
They'll spend hours on the computer not even knowing what they're looking for, just hoping to get their feline fill. "I dont see what the big deal is." Well, I do.
Cats don't deserve it. Because cats are disgusting.
They're covered in fur that may seem soft and appealing to pet, but it's never as satisfying as you think it's going to be. In fact, it's just not worth it.
As you stroke your palm across their back, you can feel the oil, dirt, and saliva that have undoubtedly collected on every fiber of every hair. Because they lick themselves. Constantly. "To clean themselves."
So, they roll around in the dumpster of Planned Parenthood, lick the dirt off themselves, and then just... eat the dirt?
Yeah, really fucking smart, cats.
If cats were smart, they'd let humans give them baths and do all of the work for them. Instead, they choose to tediously lick themselves "clean" before ingesting all the filth they just found on themselves.
Ugh, don't you know how many gallons of freshwater are wasted in a bath? First global warming and now you want this? Do you like, hate the environment or something? We lick ourselves because it's the natural way to bathe--the way Mother Nature intended. You humans just wouldn't understand?.
Yeah, alright, cat. Maybe you should get a job.
Which, coincidentally, brings me to my next point. Cats are just condescending pricks. They don't do anything. All day. Ever. Then, you come home from a long day, ready to relax, and they expect something from you.
Need some time to yourself? They don't give a fuck. They've never given a fuck.
oooo, I haz been sitting on dis log 4 u all day. almost fourteen hrs. u haz time 2 pet me now plz.
So, you get tricked into petting them. It will start purring (unless it's a little bitch), and then when you're finally ready to pull away, it will start weirdly rubbing its mouth all over your hand.
I deed not tayl u 2 stop. I wood lyke for u 2 continue with moar pets.
Uh, since when have you ever done a goddamn thing for me, cat? I give you food. You eat it. I give you toys. You play with them. You shit in a box. I clean it up. I go to work. You keep shitting.
There's no give and take. Cats want to be played with, held, and otherwise paid attention to on their terms. And only their terms. You had a shitty day? That's terrible. Your cat doesn't fucking care. It's got more important things to do.
Oh, I'm sorry, were you speaking? I'm fairly busy right now, if you don't mind. In fact, you're obstructing my angle at the sun. Surely if I don't get my daily dose of Vitamin D now, it will never happen. Certainly not with that garbage you try to feed me everyday and call *food*. Ugh, I'd rather starve.
I rest my case. Cats are the worst.