If you're one of the millions of Americans who tunes in every week to watch The Voice, it's probably because you just love watching young talent evolve in front of America's eyes. Or you think Adam Levine actually talented.
Maybe you just love chairs that swivel, or you're trying to figure out why that wax statue of Christina Aguilera is so bloated (and apparently melting).
At least I hope she's melting.
Whatever the case may be, one question has usurped all of those as the show's most intriguing aspect: what the hell is up with Cee Lo's cat? On several episodes, Cee Lo has been interviewed while holding Purrfect, his giant, furry cat.
After the initial surprise of seeing a grown man stroke a cat on national television wore off, I couldn't help but wonder: why?
After weeks of research, I've come up with five potential explanations for Purrfect's rapid ascent to national superstardom:
1. Purrfect has taken Danger Mouse hostage, and Cee Lo is desperately trying to rescue him.
Starved for a hit in the post- "Fuck You," portion of his career, Cee Lo wanted to hook back up with Gnarls Barkley collaborator Danger Mouse, only to have his hit-machine songwriting partner gobbled up by the "Devil in White" that is Purrfect.
Not wanting to sell out and appear on Maroon Five's upcoming single "Moves Like (Insert Aging Rock Star Here)," Cee Lo and Purrfect struck a deal: in exchange for Danger Mouse's life (and eventual release at the end of the season), Cee Lo would appear holding Purrfect at least once in every other episode for The Voice's entire 2012 run. Pretty ruthless, but I wouldn't put it past the furry little asshole.
2. NBC is trying to score on some of that sweet LOLCat Cash
NBC, which has inhabited the doldrums of last place among the networks for years, tried (in a move of pure desperation) to capitalize on the popularity of Internet Cat memes, and wanted to start their own. What better way than to thrust a furry, obnoxious looking cat into the arms of the most respected coach on The Voice? Trick question. There is no better way. It seems to be working, considering I'm writing almost 1000 words about a fucking cat that I shouldn't know exists. Touché, NBC. Touché.
3. Purrfect is the new leader of the Feline Illuminati
I know, it sounds crazy right? That's what I thought until I looked a little closer. There are four coaches on The Voice. One has a cat. Three do not. 1. 3. 13. With one female coach, the males make up an overwhelming majority of the onscreen talent (especially when you count Purrfect).
So that's three male coaches and one female, plus a cat. Meaning there are eight testicles (counting Purrfect's little hairballs as well). Wait: 3 (male coaches) + 1 (female coach) + 1 (cat) + 8 (testicles) = 13! 13! The Sleep Number setting for Cee Lo's forearms? You guessed it--13.
Perhaps these are just coincidences, but a powerful, manipulative cat like Purrfect is probably counting on America overlooking such arbitrary clues. Genius.
The most dangerous cat in the world.
4. Purrfect is actually Blue Ivy Carter
Wanting to get a jump start on their daughter's acting career, Jay Z and Beyoncé (possibly with the help of the Illuminati, of course) decided to ease her into the world of celebrity by establishing her onscreen credentials before the public even knew what she looked like.
In a stroke of sheer brilliance, HOVA and Sasha Fierce created a special cat suit for their infant, and entrusted her to the man with the most habitable forearms on the planet, one Cee Lo Green. Considering his arms are basically pillows, it's likely Blue Ivy doesn't mind at all.
5. Cee Lo is a robot
While this theory seems way out of left field, how could someone with so much soul have none at all? Could he really be an advanced piece of machinery? After really looking at Cee Lo, it's evident that he is perfectly contoured to carry and care for a cat.
He's overweight, but not so much that you'd think he'd smell, with a build that evokes more thoughts of cozy comfort than tight quarters. His small, impractical, often-ridiculed arms are seemingly only good for carrying a baby... or a cat.
Maybe I'm giving Purrfect too much credit. After all, building a working robot is hard enough, but one that is lifelike enough to become an international superstar?
And yet, Purrfect has a Twitter account (@PurrfectTheCat) with over 15 thousand followers, and 100+ tweets. That may not seem impressive, until you consider his lack of opposable thumbs. This theory may have legs after all. Robot legs.
While any of these theories could justify the budding celebrity status of Cee Lo's most trusted friend, one thing is clear: we're going to be seeing a lot more of that cat before it's all over. He's going to put that ugly mug in front of the camera, whether his intentions are sinister or not.