The Super Bowl has come and gone quicker than Kim Kardashian's marriage. Red-blooded, beer-thirsty Americans from all around the country finally got to stop hiding the quarter chub that snuck up every time a Super Bowl commercial came on—instead, they gathered in groups around their TVs to embrace them. Together.
Because, hey, what screams “male bonding” like a bunch of dudes jerking off to watching a bunch of other dudes do manly things in spandex pants? I mean, c’mon, they don’t call it the “Super” Bowl and attract more viewers than any other American television program in history for nothing—this is football at its finest and everyone (well, maybe not women and men who wear scarves) looks forward to watching it year after year.
So, while it’s no surprise that the Super Bowl consistently attracts the insane number of viewers that it does, it is kind of surprising that we haven’t followed Animal Planet’s lead with the Puppy Bowl and expanded this concept beyond football. After all, we’re supposed to be a generation of innovation—where’s the creativity, people? I can think of at least a couple other kinds of bowls that would be pretty super…
PROVE YOUR WORTH BOWL I: DEFINITION EDITION
America is home to millions of millionaires. Professional athletes, popular musicians, significant inventors, etc. are compensated heavily for their varying contributions to society. Then there are other millionaires, who don’t really have titles or contribute anything, and we don’t understand why they receive the disgusting amounts of attention and money they do (i.e.: Kim Kardashian and the other whores she calls sisters).
So, for that reason, I present the Prove Your Worth Bowl I: Definition Edition. Each year, the highest-earning celebrities would be subjected to a vote from the American public to determine which of them are the least deserving of the luxurious lifestyle they live. From there, those celebrities would be forced to compete against one another’s lexicon by defining random words in spelling-bee fashion.
I can see it now— “Mrs. Hilton, please define pretentious” (long silence) ::makes pouty, confused face:: “Pretentious— ::sounds it out under her breath:: Pree-tend-shiss. Um, it’s like a person who’s like, totally fake. Basically like a poser, or like, someone who’s like… really pathetic.”
Every incorrect answer would yield some form of humiliating and/or hilarious consequence; e.g. A pack of sixth grade boys might rollerblade circles around Paris, shouting things like, “What are you, a moron?” “Did someone actually fuck your brains out?” and “I hope your blowjobs are better than your answers!” while audiences watch on live TV.
If that’s not an event that everyone could get into, I don’t know what is.
HOW LOW CAN YOU GO BOWL I
As the wise and talented seer/hip-hop artist, Nas, so eloquently put it, “Life’s a bitch and then you die.” Amen, brother. People daydream about “finding their soulmate” and “being happy,” but the sooner they realize their “soulmate” is going to “cheat on them” and “being happy” means “having children and living vicariously through them,” the better off they’ll be.
Deep down, everyone knows that if you really want to be successful and make yourself happy, you have to ruin a couple lives along the way. Do you really think Mother Teresa wanted to just “help others” out of the “goodness of her heart”? Well, yeah, maybe if we lived on a rainbow and shit angels.
That being said, the next bowl game I’d like to introduce is the How Low Can You Go Bowl I. In this highly controversial and psychologically debilitating event, people who are desperate for money would compete to see whose scruples can disappear quickest on live TV.
Without using any physical violence, contestants would test whose moral compass is weakest via mental, verbal, and any other non-physical forms of abuse aimed at the people they care about most.
And depending on which network chooses to host the event, the year prior may or may not be spent getting the family members of various important public figures hooked on hard narcotics.
“Hey little Malia Obama, you little cutie you! Do you want to dress up like princesses and try something really fun called crystal methamphetamine?”
As the relationships slowly but surely fall apart, the drug-addicted family member would be recruited for the event. If TBS really knows drama, they’d be one of many networks in line to bid on this sure-to-get-ratings program.
At the end of the day, for a country that’s “consumed by capitalism,” we haven’t exactly capitalized on the Super Bowl like we could. In fact, if any of the investors from Shark Tank are reading this right now, please feel free to shoot me an email if you wanna talk bowl biz.
As for the rest of you, I already have a patent on these ideas, so kindly fuck off if you were thinking about stealing them.